Kidney Factor

At the beginning of my search for additional information on Kidney conditions, I came across a company in the USA that sold a pill called 'Kidney Factor' together with a whole load of other alternate medication. And with it came testimonials from other patients who have tried this and improved.

So I took a chance and bought some online. But once the pills arrived, I had my doubts about trusting an online company expecially when you couldn't tell the exact ingredients to the pills - that's a little scary. Plus, I had come to a point of being fed up of trying everything under the sun.

These pills have since been sitting in my storage cupboard until recently. A random conversation with a colleague led to my seeing Jan de Vries - a natural therapist / expert / guru, whose work I have come across many times. Didn't know the man still did consultation and was in Edinburgh!
Talk about coincidences eh?

The only thing I would say about Mr de Vries is that he restored my faith. No second guessing, no ifs or buts. Point blank he said that this will be fixed and I will be well. A few simple words and a little prescription of herbs.

Now talk about coming full circle - one of the prescription was Kidney Factor! Took me a whole month to realise that I have seen the bottle somewhere before... looked in my storage room and there it was.

Coincidence? Meant to be? Or just life's journey that one needs to endure to come full circle? I don't know. All I know is that I am going to give this a shot.

The Party Season

The last month i.e. December 2008 was fuelled with what seemed like too many Christmas parties or excused to get absolutely hammered at the company's expense... but I'm not complaining.

So you can imagine my state of mind today given that I now need to shake my body and mind into 'normal' mode... it's still in denial stage with me staying in bed until 8.30am when I'm supposed to be at my desk *sigh*

Nevertheless, didn't fail to stick to tradition and have been able to make a few new year's resolution which I'll probably fullfill or remember on the last day of 2009. Oh well - at least these resolutions will keep me motivated for the next stage of getting back on my feet!

Happy 2009 to me!

Christmas Parties

After a few seriously I'd-rather-watch-paint-dry posts on my moan about doctors and blood tests, I thought it'll be worthwhile having a moan about Christmas parties instead.

So it's that time of the year - festive season. Although this is my 3rd winter in Scotland, I've not actually spent it out here - always opting to go home to the sunshine instead. This year, I'll be here.

And it's already proven to be a white winter with a few proper mornings of snow covered streets. Should get photos of them - pretty, yes! But not great when you have to spend a good 15mins defrosting the car when you're already late for work!

Back to my original topic - office Christmas parties. Now this is a first for me. EVeryone seems to wind down for the festive year, we all do loads on unnecessary shopping, my diet's out the window and I'm in panic mode over clothes for Christmas parties.

I went to one last Thursday (yes, it was on a Thursday night, don't ask why!) and will be going to another tonight. Not complaining, but the truth is, people just get absolutely hammered at these parties and end up lying on the floor with nickers in full view of the rest of the department bosses.

Anyone who knows me will know that I've done worse things in my 'past life' - knickers and drunken behaviour and the rest of it! So I'm not sure why or what is it exactly I'm complaining about bad behaviour... all I can say is that office Christmas parties and boring as hell. I'd rather an Ian Rankin book, my hot cup of Milo and comfy duvet for a night out.

Takers anyone?

The Line between Denial & Hope

It's a fine line. After yesterday's not-so-nice session with the renal consultant, I've had to reflect on whether my behaviour is down to me still being in denial about the state of my condition, or whether it's because I still habour hope that miracles happen.

Here's how. I have made it quite clear that I have been through the grief cycle and I know all about it... bla bla bla. So here's how the doctor-patient conversation went:

Doctor: Have you been feeling tired? Itchy? Swollen ankles, pins & needles or burning pain in your feet?

Patient: No

Doctor: The blood results indicate that the rate of detioration is worse than we expect.

Patient: *Silent* Get a life!

Doctor: I'd like you to come along to our evening sessions and meet other patients and transplant survivors

Patient: *Silent* Jump off a cliff please - that's more entertaining!

Ok... so you get the idea. Very negative patient, very helpful doctor. So is it denial, or the silent prayer that the big guy above loves me and is merely testing me?

So where do I draw the line to either acknowlegde that the doctors know best (and I have loads of arguments on that!) or to remain on my current state of mind - that hope is there and my gut feel says that I have much more to achieve? This is merely a bump in the road.

Hope - the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Grief Cycle

I've read about the grief cycle. Makes sense - I first read about experiencing the grief cycle from the organisational change perspective, not the usual 'losing a loved one' scenario.

Today was back at the doctors - and I wonder why I still go.

The in between periods where life goes on as normal and you don't have to worry about blood tests or creatinine levels etc etc is bliss. Then as your appointment date nears, you end up with all sorts of panic and emotional termoil.

So, I've not had to see or think about my condition for almost 3 months now. Until 2 weeks ago when my blood tests came back and it wasn't pretty or encouraging. Hence, I'd gone in to the doctors anticipating a really lousy time. Emotional drain is what it is. And it's been exactly that!

You sit there and have a stranger pretend to be compasionate and supportive about wanting to help you with your condition and you discuss (monologue actually) of options to lead a 'relatively' healthy life. But it's all lies. Where is the 'fed up' section in the grief cycle?

What next? I don't know. It's a fine line between surrendering to 'higher powers' that maybe and giving up what's left. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Rain or Shine

So I've been on a bit of a journey - to try out the little inspirational things that would help lift my spirits and give me hope.

The discipline of holding on to a decent diet has proven to be - tough, if not challenging. My hats off to all the full time vegans out there! I tried it for a week, hand on my heart, it was hard - especially when you get hungry so often from not having too many food choices.

But all in all, the past month has been good to me. That is of course until I decided to accept an invite for a meal out. All hell broke loose for me - in many ways. First of all, because of my limited diet regime, as soon as I knew I was going, I had (in my head) started to plan out my meal for that day and all the things I was going to eat. (Yeah - I know, what a loser!) Naturally that day finally came, I had a full three course meal with the seafood and the chicken - and what do you get in return? An over blooted, over stretched system that gave up on me only 5 hours after the meal - everything came back out. And I had the worst 3 days of food poisoning of my life.

Lesson learnt, you say?

Hmmmm..... I don't know. I have always enjoyed my food. I have always been a big eater. It was either binge eat that night, or go home and cry over my fate and my health. So I'd rather binge - because at least I had a social life, and a chance to be 'normal', like all the other people around the table that night.

Fully recovered now. And I think about this journey with food and how my unconscious mind makes a choice whenever I go to the canteen or to the grocery store, to pick out all the food that will give me hope. So why does this ability seem to fail when a social call is in question?

This journey is long. So whilst I keep searching for inspirations to keep me going rain or shine - my social need appear 'normal' will need to reconsidered.

Kidney and Beans

I have been considering the options of a regular post specific to new learnings and insights about kidney failure.

So the first step is to think about an apporpriate and not too depressing title to represent this dedicated and delicate condition. Not sure why - but Kidney and Beans feel like the righ title - hey I'm incharge, so who's gonna say otherwise?

The next question is where do I start? What's focus or direction should I take? Do I do the depression-monologue rant about the downs of kidney failure? Do I talk about the stages and symptoms as I progress (degression is a more accurate term but we'll try to stay positive)? What do I do?

I guess if I am thinking about 'helping' others in a similar condition by being open and sharing the pain about kidney failure, perhaps everything and anything on this journey should be appropriate...

We've established my 'condition'. We've also established that there will be no treatment and that the damage is irreversible - so what next? What's in store for me?

This got me thinking about the other 20-somethings in a similar state, what are their thoughts? This is supposed to be our prime - time for dreams before settling into commitments and children and husband(s). Not a failed kidney for god's sake!
(hmmm...I think it's best to keep god out of the picture for now!)

In my case, my journey started almost a year ago. And if I can sum that year up - it would be that I've been in denial all that time. I didn't understand or fully take on board the severity of the issue and now I am starting to go through the motions.

Today I received a booklet in the post about coping with kidney failure. Most of the information in it is not new - I've already read about it someway or another. The only section I have been avoiding is on 'treatment' - dialysis and transplant. Did you know, that you also have a choice of refusing dialysis and that it does not amount to suicide? The light at the end of the tunnel in this treatment choice is a calculated death, although I'm not sure if it's a painless one.

Anyway, going back to this booklet (published by Roche), an interesting aspect was about stories of people with kidney failure - of all age and colour. And what's interesting about that? Just one - as I look at their faces and compare them to me and to all the other people I know, I can't find anything to tell us apart. No sign on our foreheads declaring the silent pain that our little kidneys are going through, no tears and no sadness. Just regular looking people!

I think it'd be a good idea to try to look for stories - stories of kidney failures, the good and the bad, and to share them here, on this site.

So bring it on I say!