The Line between Denial & Hope

It's a fine line. After yesterday's not-so-nice session with the renal consultant, I've had to reflect on whether my behaviour is down to me still being in denial about the state of my condition, or whether it's because I still habour hope that miracles happen.

Here's how. I have made it quite clear that I have been through the grief cycle and I know all about it... bla bla bla. So here's how the doctor-patient conversation went:

Doctor: Have you been feeling tired? Itchy? Swollen ankles, pins & needles or burning pain in your feet?

Patient: No

Doctor: The blood results indicate that the rate of detioration is worse than we expect.

Patient: *Silent* Get a life!

Doctor: I'd like you to come along to our evening sessions and meet other patients and transplant survivors

Patient: *Silent* Jump off a cliff please - that's more entertaining!

Ok... so you get the idea. Very negative patient, very helpful doctor. So is it denial, or the silent prayer that the big guy above loves me and is merely testing me?

So where do I draw the line to either acknowlegde that the doctors know best (and I have loads of arguments on that!) or to remain on my current state of mind - that hope is there and my gut feel says that I have much more to achieve? This is merely a bump in the road.

Hope - the light at the end of the tunnel.