Christmas Parties

After a few seriously I'd-rather-watch-paint-dry posts on my moan about doctors and blood tests, I thought it'll be worthwhile having a moan about Christmas parties instead.

So it's that time of the year - festive season. Although this is my 3rd winter in Scotland, I've not actually spent it out here - always opting to go home to the sunshine instead. This year, I'll be here.

And it's already proven to be a white winter with a few proper mornings of snow covered streets. Should get photos of them - pretty, yes! But not great when you have to spend a good 15mins defrosting the car when you're already late for work!

Back to my original topic - office Christmas parties. Now this is a first for me. EVeryone seems to wind down for the festive year, we all do loads on unnecessary shopping, my diet's out the window and I'm in panic mode over clothes for Christmas parties.

I went to one last Thursday (yes, it was on a Thursday night, don't ask why!) and will be going to another tonight. Not complaining, but the truth is, people just get absolutely hammered at these parties and end up lying on the floor with nickers in full view of the rest of the department bosses.

Anyone who knows me will know that I've done worse things in my 'past life' - knickers and drunken behaviour and the rest of it! So I'm not sure why or what is it exactly I'm complaining about bad behaviour... all I can say is that office Christmas parties and boring as hell. I'd rather an Ian Rankin book, my hot cup of Milo and comfy duvet for a night out.

Takers anyone?

The Line between Denial & Hope

It's a fine line. After yesterday's not-so-nice session with the renal consultant, I've had to reflect on whether my behaviour is down to me still being in denial about the state of my condition, or whether it's because I still habour hope that miracles happen.

Here's how. I have made it quite clear that I have been through the grief cycle and I know all about it... bla bla bla. So here's how the doctor-patient conversation went:

Doctor: Have you been feeling tired? Itchy? Swollen ankles, pins & needles or burning pain in your feet?

Patient: No

Doctor: The blood results indicate that the rate of detioration is worse than we expect.

Patient: *Silent* Get a life!

Doctor: I'd like you to come along to our evening sessions and meet other patients and transplant survivors

Patient: *Silent* Jump off a cliff please - that's more entertaining!

Ok... so you get the idea. Very negative patient, very helpful doctor. So is it denial, or the silent prayer that the big guy above loves me and is merely testing me?

So where do I draw the line to either acknowlegde that the doctors know best (and I have loads of arguments on that!) or to remain on my current state of mind - that hope is there and my gut feel says that I have much more to achieve? This is merely a bump in the road.

Hope - the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Grief Cycle

I've read about the grief cycle. Makes sense - I first read about experiencing the grief cycle from the organisational change perspective, not the usual 'losing a loved one' scenario.

Today was back at the doctors - and I wonder why I still go.

The in between periods where life goes on as normal and you don't have to worry about blood tests or creatinine levels etc etc is bliss. Then as your appointment date nears, you end up with all sorts of panic and emotional termoil.

So, I've not had to see or think about my condition for almost 3 months now. Until 2 weeks ago when my blood tests came back and it wasn't pretty or encouraging. Hence, I'd gone in to the doctors anticipating a really lousy time. Emotional drain is what it is. And it's been exactly that!

You sit there and have a stranger pretend to be compasionate and supportive about wanting to help you with your condition and you discuss (monologue actually) of options to lead a 'relatively' healthy life. But it's all lies. Where is the 'fed up' section in the grief cycle?

What next? I don't know. It's a fine line between surrendering to 'higher powers' that maybe and giving up what's left. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Rain or Shine

So I've been on a bit of a journey - to try out the little inspirational things that would help lift my spirits and give me hope.

The discipline of holding on to a decent diet has proven to be - tough, if not challenging. My hats off to all the full time vegans out there! I tried it for a week, hand on my heart, it was hard - especially when you get hungry so often from not having too many food choices.

But all in all, the past month has been good to me. That is of course until I decided to accept an invite for a meal out. All hell broke loose for me - in many ways. First of all, because of my limited diet regime, as soon as I knew I was going, I had (in my head) started to plan out my meal for that day and all the things I was going to eat. (Yeah - I know, what a loser!) Naturally that day finally came, I had a full three course meal with the seafood and the chicken - and what do you get in return? An over blooted, over stretched system that gave up on me only 5 hours after the meal - everything came back out. And I had the worst 3 days of food poisoning of my life.

Lesson learnt, you say?

Hmmmm..... I don't know. I have always enjoyed my food. I have always been a big eater. It was either binge eat that night, or go home and cry over my fate and my health. So I'd rather binge - because at least I had a social life, and a chance to be 'normal', like all the other people around the table that night.

Fully recovered now. And I think about this journey with food and how my unconscious mind makes a choice whenever I go to the canteen or to the grocery store, to pick out all the food that will give me hope. So why does this ability seem to fail when a social call is in question?

This journey is long. So whilst I keep searching for inspirations to keep me going rain or shine - my social need appear 'normal' will need to reconsidered.

Kidney and Beans

I have been considering the options of a regular post specific to new learnings and insights about kidney failure.

So the first step is to think about an apporpriate and not too depressing title to represent this dedicated and delicate condition. Not sure why - but Kidney and Beans feel like the righ title - hey I'm incharge, so who's gonna say otherwise?

The next question is where do I start? What's focus or direction should I take? Do I do the depression-monologue rant about the downs of kidney failure? Do I talk about the stages and symptoms as I progress (degression is a more accurate term but we'll try to stay positive)? What do I do?

I guess if I am thinking about 'helping' others in a similar condition by being open and sharing the pain about kidney failure, perhaps everything and anything on this journey should be appropriate...

We've established my 'condition'. We've also established that there will be no treatment and that the damage is irreversible - so what next? What's in store for me?

This got me thinking about the other 20-somethings in a similar state, what are their thoughts? This is supposed to be our prime - time for dreams before settling into commitments and children and husband(s). Not a failed kidney for god's sake!
(hmmm...I think it's best to keep god out of the picture for now!)

In my case, my journey started almost a year ago. And if I can sum that year up - it would be that I've been in denial all that time. I didn't understand or fully take on board the severity of the issue and now I am starting to go through the motions.

Today I received a booklet in the post about coping with kidney failure. Most of the information in it is not new - I've already read about it someway or another. The only section I have been avoiding is on 'treatment' - dialysis and transplant. Did you know, that you also have a choice of refusing dialysis and that it does not amount to suicide? The light at the end of the tunnel in this treatment choice is a calculated death, although I'm not sure if it's a painless one.

Anyway, going back to this booklet (published by Roche), an interesting aspect was about stories of people with kidney failure - of all age and colour. And what's interesting about that? Just one - as I look at their faces and compare them to me and to all the other people I know, I can't find anything to tell us apart. No sign on our foreheads declaring the silent pain that our little kidneys are going through, no tears and no sadness. Just regular looking people!

I think it'd be a good idea to try to look for stories - stories of kidney failures, the good and the bad, and to share them here, on this site.

So bring it on I say!

Another Chapter - My Two New Friends

This post is for my 2 friends who I've 'grown' with since being here.

I promised them that I wasn't going to post their picture on Facebook - so I'll have to keep my word.

Hence I'm dedicating this post to the two of them - you know who you are :)

The first one - she has made a decision to go home and give up her dream of working out here in the UK. It was a tough decision for her to make, but if I know her well enough, I know that if she decides on wanting to come back here and give it another shot - you can bet that she will do it. And achieve it. For now, I know she's already missing everything about Glasgow. And me...

The second friend - well this friend... she's finally found a job. So this is a simple congratulations and welcome back to the real world... i.e. bills and repayments. I believe this is a sanity thing more than anything else for her so I am happy that this job has finally come through.

To my dear friends,

A chapter has now closed, the next steps will perhaps be fun and uncertain for the 3 of us. Who knows where next or what next.

But whatever happens, I'll hope that we will have another chance of having herbal tea and chocolate cake, happy... just... happy. I'll miss you guys - although this is a chapter closing - I'm glad to have had the chance to have had this chapter to my life.

No photos of us at Bar One on George Street, Edinburgh last night. But here's the herbal tea...

Edinburgh Military Tattoo 2008

Finally! Finally made it to the Military Tattoo that thousands others from around the globe flock to Edinburgh every year to watch.

So I have to thank my kind colleagues who managed to get cheap tickets off eBay (it's always a sell out event) and the 5 of us went.

And thankfully - no rain!

Boy am I proud of having done this - one down on the cultural 'been there' box. Here are a few pictures from the show - it was great!

The only things closest to home was the performance by the Singapore Police - white uniform, formation was ok...not great, but still not bad. But more importantly, they brought the lion dance to the Tattoo - wohoo!

The best show? Definately the Norway Royal Army. One word to describe them - yum!

All tall and just so... oh... good! Even the formations and foot work - not to mention that they were all 6 feet tall (need I say more?).

Then there was the firework from the castle. What a night.

There is news that they (the organisers) want to move the venue to Glasgow on the basis that the set takes 6 months to build. If thats the case - definate made history yesterday, could be the last of the Militaary Tattoo on the castle grounds.

Pictures...

The Next Step

So many choices & opportunities have presented themselves to me. Not all of them a winner at first glance, but nonetheless still a choice.
Going back to last week's reading of my horoscope, by now I should have some idea or decision about what changes in my life I'd like make and set the ball rolling.

On that basis - I think it's time to face truth in the face, and start taking in the difficult information bit by bit. A bit like bitter medicine (I think!)... have to take it cause it's good for you?

TO balance the bad news, I shall treat myself to a few nice things like yoga and the crystal healing.

Let's talk about that a little later.

For now - one nice thing I have is this woderful view from my living room window.

Green open spaces - just like in the movies.

Choice - The First Eclipse

So my horoscope for the week has been bang on with a severe dosage of bad news from the doctor.

So what next?

I've been trying to read up website information - all of which does not shed any glimmer of hope.
I've been doing the recipe search.
I've been attempting to reflect on priorities and weighting out pros & cons.
And I've talked about it to everyone that I care to tell.

Now what?

Give up? Live out my life to the limit? Do all the things I want to do? Remain in the 7 stages of grief like a hamster on a wheel?

Oh so many choices!

Ah hah! CHOICE...

Now that's one word I used to think about alot when times were bad but have not had to think about it in the past few years because I was happy.
What a shame that it is back to stare me in the face again.

Hate to admit it - but I'm going to have to spend sometime thinking about choice.

The doctor says I am at stage 4 - I think I may still have a choice.
What I don't have is time. But still there is choice.

Time to think - and to wait for the next eclipse this 16th August.

Editors - the band

I know this is a little out of my zone - talking about bands and music, but I think I'd like to mention them simply because their music does something to me (in a good way!).

Would love to, in another life time, to be some cool music critic. But until then - I'd like to you to have a listen to their lyrics (And the lead vocalist's sound) and non't be fooled by their good looks *wink*

There's a link to the 'oficial' space on youtube http://www.youtube.com/user/editorsofficial

August's Two Eclipse

So Shelley Von Strunckel (The Sunday Times Style, Sunday 27th July 2008) has this to say about the Pisces star:

"By the time August's two eclipses - on Friday and August 16 - have taken place, many elements of your life you'd considered stable will have changed... Allow yourself time for reflection and your intuition will tell you that these changes are freeing you to explore feelings and activities that you've long dreamt about..."

Not sure if I can get sued for trying to be funny about what Shelley has to say - but as I read it for the 4th time and maybe compare it to other star signs... I wonder if there's a pattern:

i. State change that will affect reader (inflict possible fear?)

ii. Give a teaser (as in a possible light at the end of the tunnel scenario)

iii.Followed by words of wisdom (i.e. dark cloud has been lifted)

iv.Shine a light - a possitive ending statement to ensure the reader under that star sign doesn't go bonkers with fear of the potential loom drawing near

Ah ha! But most importantly - there's always a phone and fax number at the end of each star reading... tah dah!

Ok - so I'll stop the mockery. In fact, the truth is that I believe in these things and should know better by now than to read it - simply because I end up loosing sleep and hanging on to every word these wise ones have to say.

Try googling your zodiac sign - there's even a Wikipedia and more 'tell-me -what-happens-next' astrology sites. I'm too afraid (yes I am chicken shit about receiving bad news) to even explore the Wikipedia site...have a go - read yours and see if age has made you more cynical or just plain paranoid.

In the meantime - let's see what happens later today and this Friday when the 1st eclipse comes around. Keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed... for what you say?

That no 'disruptive nuisance' will befall me or my fellow Pisces.

Image taken from http://horoscopes.astrology.com/dailypisces.html

Make believes and the boogie man

The physical pain is over now.

It seems like a dream not so long ago.... lying on the bed after they wheel you out, having taken a piece of you.

Then there was all that drama of going back to the hospital in fear of an infection- man! What a bonkers week that was!

But here's also my thank you to the National Health Service (NHS) Scotland - regardless of the occasional bad publicity and long waiting times to get treated - I was to a certain extent, taken care of, regardless of colour, age or sex. But let us not forget that in return, I still gap every month over the size of deductions that come off my tiny pay for health insurance.

It's a little over 3 weeks since the biopsy.

They mark you and you're another stat

There's a tiny little bump from where the 'entry'wound is - and that upsets me simply because 'they' (and I mean the wonderful world of modern medicine as a whole) had taken a part of me. And now I'm another statistic.

I thought I'd write a little about the biopsy - but it wasn't pretty, so maybe another day.

The prognosis is yet to be delivered. In other words, I'm still in my make believe world that nothing is wrong - that everything is going to go back to normal. 'Make believe'... is that another word for denial with a capital 'D'???
hmmmm.....

Any who - tomorrow's another trip to the consultants. Hopefully they can now deliver the truth to me.

As for whether I am ready to deal with it... ready to make sense of it...ready to take on this truth, I'm not sure. Might just never be able to come to terms with it, not to mention the fear.

Fear is a funny thing - there was the fear of the pain from the biopsy. Now it's the fear of the words that will be said tomorrow...

Was much simpler when I was fearful of that illusive boogie man under the bed who was going to come out and catch me if I didn't shut my eyes and go off to sleep. Those were the days.

Those were the days.

It's Been a While

It's been a REALLY long time since my first post.

As I've had to think about the past 10 months...and everything that's happened, I wonder where to start and what I'd like to do next.

I finished with my Masters degree, graduated, got a job...my dream job (if I may add) and have been in denial about my kidney condition.

So as I battle the fear and the depression of why this has happened to me... I figured it's time to get out of this 'state of mind' and start assessing what to do next.

Do I concentrate on what my priorities are?

Do I start volunteering and lend a hand?

Do I pack up and go home... to my comfort zone and forget all of this?

Do I make a commitment about my lifestyle and stick to it?

So many questions - as usual! And too few answers.

As I battle with the truth of what's happened... I hope that blogging about what happens next and the journey of trying to save my kidneys might (hopefully) help others in a similar situation.

I think I'll start with my kidney biopsy - been there, done that!

In the meantime - here's a not a so funny joke about the truth of black market kidney trade.

(Image taken from blogger donorcycle bp0.blogger.com/.../s320/kidney+payment.jpg)